Ya, it's been a while since my last post.
Full disclosure, this blog entry is a long one. Admittedly, it is pretty deep and doesn't have really anything to do with adventures in my life. It has more to do with feelings that have come to the surface over the last year or so. So, if you are looking for interesting adventures, you will have to wait for a different blog entry.
I have a acquaintances who i know through doing dog rescue. After work one day, I got together with one of them after work and enjoyed some pizza and conversation. It occurred to me the other evening as I was discussing animal rescue with them, that I have a lot of compassion in my heart. I care about people and animals a lot. I like to help them both A LOT. Also, in the back of my mind, I do wonder occasionally, maybe seeking for understanding of where my marriage of 20 years went wrong. I know that a great deal of what soured my marriage was the fact that as a result of trying to protect my wife from injuring her bad back, bad neck or bad hips, I was holding her back from living, and that was a great deal of what caused my wife to want to spend less time with me.
I wish I could put with complete clarity in this blog post what drove me to be overly protective of Carol, and all I can say is that I just loved her so deeply (and I still care about her a great deal to this day) that I didn't want to see her walking around in pain. But all I can say is that as time goes on since my divorce, talking to various people, not about my divorce necessarily, but about topics that involve compassion, family, and priorities, does help me to clear the fog a little bit about what is important to me. In this conversation that I had the other day, we talked about what is important to each of us of helping animals. We enjoy the small victories and hope for the best that the losses are very few and far between. We talked about how not only the county shelter is, but the no kill dog shelter are bursting at the seams with dogs and how we are hoping to keep that under control. We talked about how if we can just get through this summer and not have to muster forces to shelter 150 or more animals on top of our already full facilities, that we will maybe, in the long run, be OK.
It is so hard to find people who want to volunteer at either the Rescue Ranch or the County Animal shelter. I am starting to collect footage of the shelter operations so that I can produce a Volunteer Recruitment video. I also am starting to work with a friend who runs the county shelter on how to use some Esri software for doing routing and workforce management. I truly am enjoying not only helping out at the shelter, but also helping them to leverage the resources they already have. I know money is tight for this county, and I really want them to get as much out of whatever they currently have.
In working with the friend of mine from the County, I'm hoping to help them better leverage their counties investment in the Esri software. I'm hoping to show them how they can use Workforce and Survey 123 to better manage their dispatching of ACO's and volunteers out into the field as well as recording information pertaining to animals assisted out in the field. I really enjoy feeling like I am helping to make a difference. There is only one person who handles all aspects of the Shelter for the county and I'm hoping to help them get some more volunteers and better leverage the stuff they have to the maximum efficiency.
After the divorce, my 401k administrator changed their retirement calculator and have come to the conclusion that I don't have enough money to last me more than about 5 years after I retire. This was a depressing development. In addition to that, CDCR really doesn't have much for me to work on these days. So, I've been on the job hunt I applied for a lateral position as well as promotional positions at another state agency so that I could help to justify my staying employed for the next few years, doing what I want to do which is GIS. In making a move to another agency, I'm troubled about if I would have to move permanently back to Sacramento, depending on which agency I go to work for, if I was to take their offer. So, I feel like I REALLY need to take only a position which is a promotion.
Being here in Yreka isn't my dream. But, it allows me to be closer to Karen and Mike, and I feel like I'm making a difference up here as well as making some friends. Its been decades since I had a "Friend" that I felt like I could open up to and shoot the breeze with. I don't associate living in Yreka as the reason for having a friend, I attribute the "being un-married" as the contributing factor. I had no desire to spend time with anyone except my wife when I was married and I was ok with that, as long as Carol wanted to be with me, but for her that ship has sailed. I didn't really seek out any friendships in Sacramento after she left, because I just didn't know where I would land. I don't necessarily want to be single, but trying to meet ladies either through Facebook RV groups or Match.com or Eharmony has not been overly successful. The fact that I'm an athiest who lives in an RV, and I'm a liberal and I like to do dog rescue just doesn't seem to be the type of guy anyone wants to engage in conversation with.
I don't need to be in a "Relationship" but it is nice to have friends. I have a friend of mine in Wisconsin who has been down the Eharmony, Match road, and she agrees that environment just doesn't work for many people. She actually recently found a great guy going to a bar. That has never been my scene, and I would have no idea how to socialize in that environment. I commented to my friend in Wisconsin, that I needed a wing man. To which she replied, if she lived in California she would love to be my wing-girl. LOL
I keep adding more and more content to this blog, I may never get it posted.
I am truly thankful for the life I am living right now. I enjoy doing GIS as a specialty in the IT Landscape, I just wish I knew for sure what my future looked like on where I am going to do it. But, there have been a couple of interviews, one of them promising that I am hopeful about. Also, there is some movement at CDCR that may be to my liking, if I don't get a job at another agency.
On a personal note though, I have thoughts going through my head as well. Though I don't regret some of the good times I had during my 10+ years volunteering for a Drum Corps here in California, there were some challenges, especially my 3 years as a board member, that I'd never want to repeat. The main challenge was the un-willingness to deal with the drug or alcohol abuse that went on in the youth as well as the staff really bothered me, and it burned me out getting the feeling from other board members and the staff, that winning was more important than setting a positive example. Between that and some of the temper tantrums that went on during the 10 years, it just wore me out. In retrospect, what I would give to be 30 years younger in some ways. For one thing, I learned years ago, early on in my shelter volunteering days, that if I wanted to meet like minded women, I should have looked to meet one volunteering at a shelter or a rescue. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the wife I married (except that it didn't work out), but my mind set jives, and I now realize always has jived with those who do rescue. But, I'm not 30 years younger and life is what it is.
I am a guy who had two very strong women in my young life. My mother who battled through scoliosis her entire life, making all of her own clothes and making meals and working a full-time job, and my sister who has always been my north-star as to the way to approach life. With them showing me the way, I've always realized how our society (North American that is) places so much value and respect, automatically towards men, and makes women, in so many cases struggle for respect and admiration. When I was with the youth group because of my desire to see women succeed, I was eager to teach interested moms of kids in the group, how to drive one of the large 40 foot member busses because we were always so shorthanded with drivers. My "Celebrate your victories" approach really helped each of these ladies succeed, and it worked well for them. Most of them, my age or older, were intimidated by the idea of driving one of those 40 foot hulks, but I wanted to show Pat Lentz, Tessie Reed and the others that they could do it. Frequently, helping them realize the awesomeness of their responsibility, to some degree put them on a pedestal. And when they realized the importance of what they were doing, they really stepped up to the plate and in the end, they really ROCKED IT!
When I was married, I tried to be equally supportive of my wife, but, I failed in that because of all her medical conditions, I un-intentionally made her feel like I was robbing her of her individuality to try to push herself. It was so hard to see her in constant back, hip and neck pain all the time. I tried to ask my wife if I was being a good husband, and she said I was, but I missed the signs. Its not what they say that matters, its what they do. I tried so hard. I tried to not read too much into things that went on, and take my wife's verbal responses as gospel, and I shouldn't have done that. My mom and sister were both gods to me, and I put them on pedestals, and I tried to treat my wife like a queen the way she deserved. But she also felt like I was putting her on a pedestal, and it was very uncomfortable for her and that too contributed to the demise of my marriage. Sigh
There are two ladies that I work with when it comes to dog rescue, and they both mean the world to me. They are both really good at dog wrangling, which makes working with either of them a dream. Both of the ladies I work with in rescue are absolute rock stars at the rescues and appear to have their lives well organized away from rescue. I want to celebrate that, support that and embrace that. But, I know that sometimes my passion to support can be too much. When I see they are having a bad day, I want to be there for them, but I also worry that I'm too supportive. Rescue is hard, it's very hard. It's something that many walk away from because it is so difficult. I've been doing it for 20 years because, at least so far, I've managed to detach myself from each dog I've worked with and just hope for the best with them. I work with two amazing rescue organizations up here in Siskiyou County, both of them no-kill, and that makes it so much easier to avoid, but not completely eliminate, compassion fatigue. I see the exhaustion in them both sometimes. I just want to be there for them and help if at all possible. I truly value working with them. I do highly respect them, and value whatever time I can spend with them because they are both quality people. The thing I've started to realize is the difference between the Pat Lentz Bus Mom ladies and these two, are these two rescue ladies are completely confident and competent in what they are doing and probably do not need or want the support that I'm offering them that I offered to Pat Lentz and her crew. But, though Compassion Fatigue was a possibility in Drum Corps, you had more than 150 people living the daily drum corps grind of that organization, and to some degree, we were there for one another. Rescue, it can be a hand full of people, going forward trying to save animals, with the other same hand full of people, not wanting to bring each other down with their own problems and struggling to get by.
I haven't had many close friends in my life, but I am truly lucky to be able to spend time with the people that I can, doing what we do. But I can see where I can get too supportive and smothering with them, and I need to watch it because I don't want to lose them as the dearly valued friends. I can tell at times that they may feel like I am trying to put these people on pedestals as well, and I need to temper that. Do I believe they deserve it? Yes! Why? For one thing, as I mentioned above rescue is very hard and exhausting and those that do it deserve all the support they can get, and frankly yes, are above much of our society in my mind, because they are working hard to make a difference, where much of our society just worries about themselves. I admit, I get accolades from those that know me, and it makes me uncomfortable, and I need to remember to be careful about that aspect as well. I wish I knew what to do sometimes. I keep seeing these memes that say "Say what you feel and those that matter will appreciate it, and those that don't appreciate it don't matter" or words to that affect. I fully believe that, but I also know, going all the way back to high school, that when I said what I felt, I ended up costing myself a friendship that I truly valued. And while I didn't regret what I said, many times it made them feel uncomfortable, and then I did lose out on that much cherished relationship.
Life and being compassionate are hard. Maybe sometimes it would be easier being cold, but that is not who I want to be. Sigh...
Safe Travels
Take care!
Eric and Remi too!
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